I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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