She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
