College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
