wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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