I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
