Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
