Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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