Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
