i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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