Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
