I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
