I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
