this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
