I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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