And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
