We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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