She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
