I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
