can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
