My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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