does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
