theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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