I think I won the penis lottery.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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