All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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