I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He shit in the fireplace
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
