I'm laying in your front yard are you home
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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