I CAN MOONWALK!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
