I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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