Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
