oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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