Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
