So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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