where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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