so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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