So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He passed out mid-signature
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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