pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
