My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
