wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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