I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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