wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
