We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You took a bar mat shot.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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