I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
