I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
