Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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