oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
