I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
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There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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