I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
