my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize