You're my little dorito
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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