babies were throwing up all over the place
im six kinds of drunk right now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
