ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
