you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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