are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
A+ Viking dick
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
