She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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