quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
